Have you ever felt your throat swell up and become warm and fuzzy? I get this all the time when my worst fear of social anxiety kicks in when I'm at social events or when I'm in company. I found it always happens with the people I wish I could chat to forever or when meeting new people. I find it hard to make new connections with this adams apple feeling in my throat.I hate it! It feels like I am a child who has not yet learned their speech. A barrier shadowing over me making me powerless yet I wish my brain would calibrate and come up with something interesting to say. I'm not boring, my mind goes into overdrive with so many nostalgic things to talk about when I've known you for awhile and got used to feeling comfy around your presence or I just get super nervous and self concious, I just feel nobody would ever listen or care about how much I love that really cool ocean documentary or how fascinating I find the latest community or government project I have got myself involved in.

I have a constant phobia of boring people or people thinking that I am weird or boring. What frustrates me the most is when I am around people on my own I crumble, i just giggle, smile and listen. It's not that I don't want a conversation because believe me i want nothing more. But It's like I forget how to talk, I get nervous carrying on conversations. I feel overly content with just listening and being peaceful in my favourite company and listening to other people talk about their favourite jazz musician, that memory they had when they was younger when they fell into a wall trying to ride their bicycle with no stabilizers or when I am educated about their record collections and the story of their life behind a certain record that they brought back in 2002.

I love seeing the passion arise from people's hearts which happens to gracefully paint the most uplifting and natural smile on their face. I adore being quiet and socially awkward to watch the beauty of people's movements embracing them whilst my brain tries to calibrate something as interesting back.

I wish I was more confident. I wish I could find things to say and chat away all evening. The woman to be the conversation starter and the break in awkward silences but i'll miss some beauty of just simple quiet cuddles, laughs and moments to embrace life together with my favourite people. That moment of happiness silent hearing their heartbeat or watching my best friend jump around watching all his/ hers anger escape out through their luminous blue veins.

Some people would not believe what I am writing as they know me as the loud, outgoing type who is outrageous on a night out. However when you have a system indulged in alcohol you feel like there isn't a problem in the world. I feel comfortable to talk and have conversations and meet people, my confidence rises and my social anxiety somewhat is abandoned like those desolate squats you break into and turned into beauty. I am the Nancy who's alive when I have a system filled with booze. No awkwardness. I am confident and happy surrounded by my favourite people. My brain never pauses I say all the things I think of like making new plans with people, learning about them and actually talking to people about life and the world. I don't feel scared, I feel alive, socially normal but most importantly I feel like me. I feel happy.
I love to observe people. I think people will never know how much I cultivate and capture people in those moments where words are never needed where they are just being themselves. They could be caught up in some normal everyday activity like dancing,smiling, thinking, cleaning or maybe some random thought or daydream that I will never know of. The times where they are completely unaware of their raw beauty and simpleness which I adore the most. Their stripped back perfections unnoticed by many. I wish at those simple random times like speaking, driving or even walking that I could take a Polaroid photograph to remind me of my favourite moments you'll never understand in their simplist form. You will never be able to witness with your own eyes but I get so cultivated in the moment.
I will always be able to remember and memorize that once apon a time I had fallen in love with the most beautiful people in the world who had no idea how much I study their beautiful body language and how much I truly love being quiet around the people I would take a bullet for because I love them so much deep in my heart even more so in their tranquil state of mind.

I'm very honoured to be surrounded by the people that I have. They are my home and my family. I am so lucky and in awe of them every single day. They are my motivition, inspirations and comfort zone.  It's the small things I love, the laughing till my stomach hurts, the top quality bants with Nance. Some of the kindest souls in my life have lived in a world where it's not been so kind to them. Some of the best humans I know have been through so much at the hands of others but yet they still love deeply to every soul they encounter. Some times, it's the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn't beautiful then I don't know what is. Personally for me, I have a high defense wall to start with. I find it hard to let people in or to let that defensive gaurd down. That's one reason I wanted to start this blog, to let my gaurd down, let people in abit more and become a easier person to engage with.

Despite all the wrong turns that I made in my life, God always made sure that I was surrounded by nothing but greatness and encouraging people. So even though this isn't where I want to be. I know for a fact I am in the right place because I still have the right influential humans surrounding me helping me to get to where I want to finally be. They are helping me on this journey of life and I am the luckiest to have their support and constant love.

Happiness,
It's such a simple word isn't it? A word we all know and have embedded into our brains but it's not that simple to achieve sometimes and sometimes we even loose ourselves trying to strive for it. I find happiness to be a personal moment. What makes one person happy won't make another person feel quite the same. We all have our own releases and ideologies surrounding the word 'happiness' so I don't want you to read this blog post thinking I'm trying to be some sort of agony aunt or therapist because that's not the point. The point of this writing is because I've been feeling inspired and I thought this would be a great topic during lockdown to try and boost some energies. Not only this but it also helps me work out what I believe happiness and being happy means to me. 

So firstly; why do we want to be happy? 

Humans have been chasing happiness since forever, it's like a inner calling and fire inside to find it. We as humans are obsessed with it whether that'll be listening and scouting through spotify happiness playlists or feel good albums, to videos of real life heroes on Facebook or random happy tumblr inspirational quotes that you find yourself scrolling for hours through on a late evening.

I highly believe as a society we are infatuated with the importance of happiness, how to be happy and also other peoples happiness. But whilst we have our heads in the clouds trying to search for it we forget about the other side of things. The pressure being put onto people being happy, even when they are not. I believe that pretending that we are happy could make things more embedded and worse. 

One really life changing moment happened to me about 3 years ago which made me change my whole perspective of happiness and the simplicity of it.
I was laying on my cardboard bed I had made on the floor outside John Lewis on Oxford Street in January. It was around 8-9pm and the streets were still alive. Next thing I know a never-ending blizzard of snow fell from the milk coloured sky. I had nothing to my name but a thin hoodie and jeans and a duvet cover. I was freezing and to anybody watching I had nothing. This is where everything changed. To me I had everything I needed. I had more than most homeless people and I was the most content i've ever felt in my life, the feeling is super overwhelming. This is because for once, I accepted that this is why life right now and I have to make to the most of it. I had way more than any other homeless person and I was grateful. I had the luxury of having a full phone battery, duvet, a roof sheltering me from the snow and food in my stomach. I was watching First dates on my phone laughing my head off with a friend. Members of the public looked confused.

why are they so happy when they have nothing? But we had everything we could at that moment and I've never felt so content and happy looking back at the most horrendous time of my life and being able to smile. Yes we was absolutely freezing, but I was lucky. And it made me realise a few things, I don't need designer clothes, money or anything. I just need good company surrounding me.

What does Happiness mean to me? 

Happiness is about the much smaller and more simpler things in life. What I love the most is making other people happy it perks me up alot to be able to encourage somebody out a dark spell or help calm their nerves. It's being happy it's not raining today or being aware of small beautiful things that happen during the day like a butterfly flying past. I get so happy over the smallest of things. And that to me is happiness. Things that money cannot buy the priceless moments and connections built. 

The little things in life.

There are lots of little things that I do reguarly to make me feel more happy and in turn become more positive and confident. And i'd like to share them with you as I know lockdown hasn't been the greatest times of our lives.

1.Always making sure that you are checking in and close with your nearest and dearest.

This is a super important one for me as you know by reading my blog. Nobody likes to feel isolated so by making sure you're communicating with your loved ones can help suppress bad and unhappy energies.

2. Applying some sort of structure. 

Throughout lockdown after losing important work contracts I was sleeping in till the afternoon, eating when I wanted and there wasn't much structure to my day to day schedule. However now I've made a little time table and lists of things I want to achieve for the day, week and month has really helped me gain control again and lift my spirits. It helps you to keep focused on the things you really want and also makes you feel like you're on the path to greatness.

3. Keeping a gratitude diary.

I recently was reading somebody else's writing blog for inspiration and she had a page about keeping a gratitude diary of everything she's grateful for during that week or month. She used it as a tool to inspire her and lift her moods, so I gave it ago myself and it works. So even if I've had a really crappy day I have to write at least 1 thing that I have been grateful for. And to my surprise if you take the time out to actually think, you always find something from that day which is positive and good. Some entries I've written include a time when I was at my friends house and my friend pulled this hilarious joke, I wrote it down on my phone. The best thing is now every time I look back I laugh my head off over the smallest of jokes and I remember a memory that I would of forgotten.

4. Exercise. 

It's no secret that I love cycling. I'm obsessed with it. I feel great cycling around the city or cycling to forests to explore rather than getting a bus. Although Londons hella polluted you get more fresh air and you feel super duper pumped after a long cycle. Keeping a active body is fundamental for a active mind. I just feel so free especially whilst rinsing out the latest Bryan Gee mix or some fresh UKG. 

5. Pushing out your comfort zone. 

I've always kept into my normal day to day comfort zone. But throughout lockdown I've made really good progress of pushing through and exploring new things, new people and also new foods I wouldn't normally and It's been a blessing. Get over the fear of it not being the same and strive onto a new exploring path. You might love it! If you just take a risk for once, always remember you done the hard part. You tried your upmost best. 

6. Remember not all days are good days. 

Off days are normal and they happen all the time. Life is nothing but a roller coaster. I am gradually learning to accept that some days won't be as productive, or full of joy, or energetic as others, and that's allowed and I've become content with that. 

And most importantly SMILE and radiate your good loving vibes.